Sunday, July 31, 2011

If at first you don't succeed...forever keep trying

I've denied the word divorce ever since I signed the papers. But alas.. I can no longer deny it. I am a divorced single mother of the most beautiful amazing child I've ever set my eyes on. such a terrible word. I wish there was a better word for the division of a family. It sounds so slithering. And not only does it sound terrible, but it is terrible. To make a commitment to yourself and your partner that you will forever work on being together... even til death do us part. It is the single most important and LARGE commitment any two people can make, besides a child.

You get to a place where you both have lost each other. You no longer see each other in the house you have built together. Nor do you feel them. It is almost like you are two ghosts existing.. Trying to work on something that no longer even exists. I have struggled so much with the whole.." putting all the effort I can into it so I don't feel like I didn't try"... but even after I put all that effort and struggle.. suffering and sacrifice I still felt bad. Even to this day the guilt is still there. Because, although you know you will never be with that person you do feel sad that you had a family and it all ended.

It ends and you wish you could go back in time and try and figure out what it is you could have done better, or what you just should not have ever done. How you could be different or they could be different. And then you exhaust yourself to the point where you no longer have any more scenarios to go through and you are left with the reality, that no matter how many times you go through it in your head it will always turn out the same way it has, did and is....

When you get divorced it is like you are a child again. You have to learn everything all over again... and even more so when you have a child(s). Dating, being alone, learning from others, having girlfriends, going "out"... and so on.

I think the worst part is when you actually get the courage to talk to people about it and they all say the same thing," I know how you feel," or " I'm sorry for your lose".... I mean come on... ha... unless you've gotten married had a child and then lost all of that.. you don't have any idea what it is like. To not only tear apart yourself from that person, but that innocent child. I'm not saying you can't relate in some way, but realistically.... it is one of thee more terrible things in life.. They say it is actually easier to move on if your partner dies than if you get a divorce. Probably because they are still alive in your life... but I am not totally positive on why that is.

There is a reason why it is frowned upon by religions and "people"... and I don't think it is because it is a "sin" but because subconsciously deep inside our spirit(s) are sad for them, me, us.. whomever and they fear for you.. it is like a death.. but a death you have to keep replaying every weekend or every two days( when you pick your child up).. until you decide to get a therapist or shrink and really move on .

I'm in no way saying I would want to get remarried to my ex.. hahaha... I am saying that just like when you work really hard for something... like a promotion at your job.. or that DREAM career you have ALWAYS wanted and all the sudden you realized that once you got there it was nothing like what you wanted at all. That it was a complete and utter disappointment... that, that is sad. No, devastating. HEART WRENCHING.. tears pouring...sad.

It's like what Audrey Hepburn says in the movie BreakFast At Tiffany's... or so how you feel... " it's like when you get the mean reds.." the "mean reds" she describes as being sad and you don't know why you are, you just are. Sooner or later those "mean reds" turn in to either flaming red.. pink... or white( which would be all the colors) Then you decide you have to do something with this color(s)... and I've lost myself.. found myself and I am still loosing myself and finding myself continually.... and I'm no longer afraid admit it. Because.. letting go is just the beginning.