Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Isn't it love?

When I was a little girl, I had such an open heart. I was also incredibly oblivious to the idea of ever falling in love. I'm old( I guess) now and I'm more afraid of falling in love then almost anything in my life.

If I dig deep into myself, I'm completely and utterly head over heels in love with my boyfriend. I've never opened myself up to anyone as much as I have to him. I've also never fought falling in love with someone so much. It's as if I see the potential of an incredible relationship and it freaks me out to know that I could have that. Or that one day I could loose it. It scares me so much.

It's funny you know, the one I really need is the one thing I fight the most. Being heart from men for so long has made me protect myself like a castle against an army. I have bricks, a moat filled with sharks and crocodiles. I only let my bridge down if I feel safe. Like, really really safe. It's a daily battle. Literally, a mental battle to not run and hide from love.

It's such a brave thing to do, to fall in love. It's also an incredibly selfless path to be in a relationship. If it's a functioning relationship it takes hard work. Which I've come to understand is, understandable for such an amazing experience. An experience that almost everyone on this earth, whether consciously or subconsciously, searches for.

I hope we all get it, keep it and cherish it forever, because just as fast as it falls into your life, it can fall out.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

i'm feeling more a woman than ever

In the last two years I have grown like a giant. you know how people say your 20's are when you grow the most. I am starting to really notice things about me that don't bother me, that maybe two years ago would have. Or how in situations that aren't the best, I make the most of them. As I continue to grow as a woman, mother, girlfriend, sister, and daughter I notice so many new things about myself. I am more conscious of who I AM. I thought I knew who I was, but I am just starting too. And I don't mean like where I want to go in my life, i mean how I like my eggs. if I want to sit at home or if I want to go running. simple things I thought I knew about myself, that I actually really didn't. I'm learning that i struggle in my diet when I am going to school to be a nutritionist. I am learning that I really am impatient with myself and others and it's not everyone else. haha... that was a hard one. It such an awakening place to be to really be taking it all in.. and I don't mean HALF ASSing it.. I mean for real. Non of this teen crap. I am growing up. I am becoming a woman. A very determined, in control of myself woman. A woman who knows what she wants. A mother who researches everything before going with the crowd on things.( like most moms do) A woman who can say no and not feel guilty. A mother who can say no and not feel guilty. ( which is almost impossible, but getting there)

As I grow, I learn, and as I learn I want to learn and grow more.

I think something that is great and that I am really actually just starting to learn is to not say something unless it is really meaningful. Girls talk a lot. They expose so many terrible rude things about each other and to each other. Or how people talk to family members and aren't nice. Or when you talk to someone new you just met and maybe you said too much or too little. I am learning how and when to speak. ahhaha I thought that was when I was three... but NO it's all over again. Just like it was in my teens. I am sure it will happen again in my thirties, which by the way I am excited to be thirty. Most women would be horrified, but not me. I am so interested to see who i am when I am that old. How successful I will be and how many kids I will have and who I will be married to. Life and it's mysteries are so sexy. It makes me so excited! i love it.

Friday, August 5, 2011

early morning crap

so I'm awake and I really shouldn't be.
I am supposed to be sleeping right now.
I was also, supposed to be sleeping the last 5.5 hours.
Dreaming sweet dreams of candy land and all my
favorites coming true.

so I'm awake and I shouldn't be
I'm supposed to be sleeping for days.
I was also supposed to be sleeping for 10 hours
Almost unconscious.

SOOOO I'm awake right now and it sucks.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Blah, it's like whatever.

so i felt the need to update my terrible, and probably still is, blog. i dunno... i haven't felt much love for it.. and my thoughts for this blog are just as disorganized as the way it's decorated.

moving on

so i moved about 50 miles from where i used to live. i live with my aunt and uncle. i am helping them out with my cousin's son. whom she left behind on her untimely, horrible, death. his name is levyn. he is adorable. i do love him. brighton loves living here as well. she has a cute princess pink room, with all sorts of great additions, along with a new ( kiind of sort of) big brother. who she also loves.

i really like living here due to the amount of space i have. i don't feel any pressure and the ground is neutral! the only thing i would like a little bit of change would be the ac. they have it going all day long. so at night i am frozen meat. i thaw out by about afternoon and then by late evening i am back to being frozen. it's whatever i guess, but wearing a hat every night to bed does get annoying, mainly because it keeps coming off. ha. but with that said.....

i am excited for fall fashion. more than i ever have been. AH. i can't describe the love i have for fashion because i just might go into cardiac arrest. although that is a complete exaggeration, i am sure it has happened. it will be the cooler season, but hey.. i am willing to sacrifice the sun for the greatest fashion season on earth. i've never really been into the whole wearing no clothing. i mean i do like wearing no clothing, but i would rather be draped in style.

til we talk again, which i am sure we will.. i bid you the greatest achievements and all the love int he world. my fingers are like frozen fish sticks now. it is getting hard to type.. AH. goodnight. I bid you adu.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

If at first you don't succeed...forever keep trying

I've denied the word divorce ever since I signed the papers. But alas.. I can no longer deny it. I am a divorced single mother of the most beautiful amazing child I've ever set my eyes on.

Divorce...is such a terrible word. I wish there was a better word for the division of a family. It sounds so slithering. And not only does it sound terrible, but it is terrible. To make a commitment to yourself and your partner that you will forever work on being together... even til death do us part. It is the single most important and LARGE commitment any two people can make, besides a child.

You get to a place where you both have lost each other. You no longer see each other in the house you have built together. Nor do you feel them. It is almost like you are two ghosts existing.. Trying to work on something that no longer even exists. I have struggled so much with the whole.." putting all the effort I can into it so I don't feel like I didn't try"... but even after I put all that effort and struggle.. suffering and sacrifice I still felt bad. Even to this day the guilt is still there. Because, although you know you will never be with that person you do feel sad that you had a family and it all ended.

It ends and you wish you could go back in time and try and figure out what it is you could have done better, or what you just should not have ever done. How you could be different or they could be different. And then you exhaust yourself to the point where you no longer have any more scenarios to go through and you are left with the reality, that no matter how many times you go through it in your head it will always turn out the same way it has, did and is....

When you get divorced it is like you are a child again. You have to learn everything all over again... and even more so when you have a child(s). Dating, being alone, learning from others, having girlfriends, going "out"... and so on.

I think the worst part is when you actually get the courage to talk to people about it and they all say the same thing," I know how you feel," or " I'm sorry for your lose".... I mean come on... ha... unless you've gotten married had a child and then lost all of that.. you don't have any idea what it is like. To not only tear apart yourself from that person, but that innocent child. I'm not saying you can't relate in some way, but realistically.... it is one of thee more terrible things in life.. They say it is actually easier to move on if your partner dies than if you get a divorce. Probably because they are still alive in your life... but I am not totally positive on why that is.

There is a reason why it is frowned upon by religions and "people"... and I don't think it is because it is a "sin" but because subconsciously deep inside our spirit(s) are sad for them, me, us.. whomever and they fear for you.. it is like a death.. but a death you have to keep replaying every weekend or every two days( when you pick your child up).. until you decide to get a therapist or shrink and really move on .

I'm in no way saying I would want to get remarried to my ex.. hahaha... I am saying that just like when you work really hard for something... like a promotion at your job.. or that DREAM career you have ALWAYS wanted and all the sudden you realized that once you got there it was nothing like what you wanted at all. That it was a complete and utter disappointment... that, that is sad. No, devastating. HEART WRENCHING.. tears pouring...sad.

It's like what Audrey Hepburn says in the movie BreakFast At Tiffany's... or so how you feel... " it's like when you get the mean reds.." the "mean reds" she describes as being sad and you don't know why you are, you just are. Sooner or later those "mean reds" turn in to either flaming red.. pink... or white( which would be all the colors) Then you decide you have to do something with this color(s)... and I've lost myself.. found myself and I am still loosing myself and finding myself continually.... and I'm no longer afraid admit it. Because.. letting go is just the beginning.