Isn't it love?

When I was a little girl, I had such an open heart. I was also incredibly oblivious to the idea of ever falling in love. I'm old( I guess) now and I'm more afraid of falling in love then almost anything in my life.

If I dig deep into myself, I'm completely and utterly head over heels in love with my boyfriend. I've never opened myself up to anyone as much as I have to him. I've also never fought falling in love with someone so much. It's as if I see the potential of an incredible relationship and it freaks me out to know that I could have that. Or that one day I could loose it. It scares me so much.

It's funny you know, the one I really need is the one thing I fight the most. Being heart from men for so long has made me protect myself like a castle against an army. I have bricks, a moat filled with sharks and crocodiles. I only let my bridge down if I feel safe. Like, really really safe. It's a daily battle. Literally, a mental battle to not run and hide from love.

It's such a brave thing to do, to fall in love. It's also an incredibly selfless path to be in a relationship. If it's a functioning relationship it takes hard work. Which I've come to understand is, understandable for such an amazing experience. An experience that almost everyone on this earth, whether consciously or subconsciously, searches for.

I hope we all get it, keep it and cherish it forever, because just as fast as it falls into your life, it can fall out.

i'm feeling more a woman than ever

In the last two years I have grown like a giant. you know how people say your 20's are when you grow the most. I am starting to really notice things about me that don't bother me, that maybe two years ago would have. Or how in situations that aren't the best, I make the most of them. As I continue to grow as a woman, mother, girlfriend, sister, and daughter I notice so many new things about myself. I am more conscious of who I AM. I thought I knew who I was, but I am just starting too. And I don't mean like where I want to go in my life, i mean how I like my eggs. if I want to sit at home or if I want to go running. simple things I thought I knew about myself, that I actually really didn't. I'm learning that i struggle in my diet when I am going to school to be a nutritionist. I am learning that I really am impatient with myself and others and it's not everyone else. haha... that was a hard one. It such an awakening place to be to really be taking it all in.. and I don't mean HALF ASSing it.. I mean for real. Non of this teen crap. I am growing up. I am becoming a woman. A very determined, in control of myself woman. A woman who knows what she wants. A mother who researches everything before going with the crowd on things.( like most moms do) A woman who can say no and not feel guilty. A mother who can say no and not feel guilty. ( which is almost impossible, but getting there)

As I grow, I learn, and as I learn I want to learn and grow more.

I think something that is great and that I am really actually just starting to learn is to not say something unless it is really meaningful. Girls talk a lot. They expose so many terrible rude things about each other and to each other. Or how people talk to family members and aren't nice. Or when you talk to someone new you just met and maybe you said too much or too little. I am learning how and when to speak. ahhaha I thought that was when I was three... but NO it's all over again. Just like it was in my teens. I am sure it will happen again in my thirties, which by the way I am excited to be thirty. Most women would be horrified, but not me. I am so interested to see who i am when I am that old. How successful I will be and how many kids I will have and who I will be married to. Life and it's mysteries are so sexy. It makes me so excited! i love it.

early morning crap

so I'm awake and I really shouldn't be.

I am supposed to be sleeping right now.

I was also, supposed to be sleeping the last 5.5 hours.

Dreaming sweet dreams of candy land and all my

favorites coming true.

so I'm awake and I shouldn't be

I'm supposed to be sleeping for days.

I was also supposed to be sleeping for 10 hours

Almost unconscious.

SOOOO I'm awake right now and it sucks.

Blah, it's like whatever.

so i felt the need to update my terrible, and probably still is, blog. i dunno... i haven't felt much love for it.. and my thoughts for this blog are just as disorganized as the way it's decorated.

moving on

so i moved about 50 miles from where i used to live. i live with my aunt and uncle. i am helping them out with my cousin's son. whom she left behind on her untimely, horrible, death. his name is levyn. he is adorable. i do love him. brighton loves living here as well. she has a cute princess pink room, with all sorts of great additions, along with a new ( kiind of sort of) big brother. who she also loves.

i really like living here due to the amount of space i have. i don't feel any pressure and the ground is neutral! the only thing i would like a little bit of change would be the ac. they have it going all day long. so at night i am frozen meat. i thaw out by about afternoon and then by late evening i am back to being frozen. it's whatever i guess, but wearing a hat every night to bed does get annoying, mainly because it keeps coming off. ha. but with that said.....

i am excited for fall fashion. more than i ever have been. AH. i can't describe the love i have for fashion because i just might go into cardiac arrest. although that is a complete exaggeration, i am sure it has happened. it will be the cooler season, but hey.. i am willing to sacrifice the sun for the greatest fashion season on earth. i've never really been into the whole wearing no clothing. i mean i do like wearing no clothing, but i would rather be draped in style.

til we talk again, which i am sure we will.. i bid you the greatest achievements and all the love int he world. my fingers are like frozen fish sticks now. it is getting hard to type.. AH. goodnight. I bid you adu.